It's the climb...

So I decided to write another blog. Things haven't been 100% lately to be perfectly honest. I wish I could sit here and lie and make us look like the perfect family, but alas we are not. :(
I don't think there is truly a perfect family out there, they all have their problems. I feel like nothing I do makes things better for Jason and Drake sometimes. I feel like I don't make Jason as happy as I should as his wife. He tells me I do, but I feel like I could do more for him sometimes. I want him to be happy so much and I feel that I am taking it away from him. Just lots of stuff that's been going on tells me that. :( I love him with my whole soul. I hope he knows that.
And Drake gets so upset with me all the time because I feel like I am constantly telling that kid no. It breaks my heart but I have to do it. SOOO hard not letting him have his way all the time, but I know if I do I will regret it later. And as always with every blog I write I have to mention how much I hate money!!! YUCKY MONEY!!! Lol no new story there, same shit different month.
On Sunday we took Drake to see his new hero, Thomas the train! He LOVED it. It was so fun to see him sooo happy. It made my whole week, (which was a very lousy one) so it felt really nice to feel so happy.
And I decided to take up art again as a mood booster. I love being creative, and not to be cocky, but I am a pretty good artist, :) haha!
Anyways that's all for now!

Boo-boos

SO hellooooo everyone. Life has been going better lately. I have been working 3 jobs and Jason working 2, trying to make ends meet that never ever gets met? Hahaha...
Even though some things are looking up there is always some big ugly thing that looks down. I found out my big sis is really sick which makes me very very sad. I have been reading up on it trying to find out all I can. :'( Please just pray for her that she will make it through everything ok. I love her very much.
Jason and I worked in Laurel's yard ALL DAY today and Drake just ran around and played. He fell and scraped his knee today! His very first boo-boo! :D yay! Weird I am cheering for him being hurt? Yeah, but... What kid doesn't get owies? We cleaned it up, blew on it and bandaged it up! He is so boy its adorable! He ran through the sprinkler today too and just laughed so hard the whole time. I love to watch that kid grow and play and see how tough he is. Just like his daddy! He is starting to say a lot more sentences. He just says them sooo fast you have to pay really good attention or you will be like, wtf did he just say???? Hehe...
I saw Becca's baby a few weeks ago and he is sooo precious and teeny! Makes me want a little one again! Which reminds me!
WE HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!!! I am so excited! I get to go to the dentist and the ob and get some problems fixed for much cheaper!
And... I am trying to think of other stuff going on... I lost 5 more pounds that I have kept off for a few weeks! Yay! And I am tan... and I wore shorts for the first time in 3 years today! Hooray for faded stretch marks! Took you long enough! Anddddd I can't think of anything else right now... Hmmmm... Oh g’s I guess I’m done til’ next time! :) <3

PMS??

So this post isn't really a happy one, but... I am in a down mood. I need to vent somewhere... But really I guess its just life in general. Its always going to have problems no matter what. First of all I have had something on my mind a lot lately, well.. for awhile, I really want another baby. I have been off the pill for over a year and no baby :( It makes me so upset. But I guess with the way things have been generally going in my life it would be foolish to bring another innocent life into this world. SO obviously god knows what he is doing. It just adds hurt to the hurt and it really sometimes hurts. Another thing that sucks is money of course.. I have been job hunting which also sucks. I also really want to go to school and do something with this short roller coaster life that I enjoy somewhat for money. I just don't know... And I hate my weight, but what girl doesn't.. I think I could weigh ten pounds and still be unsatisfied with myself. I should just be happy with who I am, and some days I actually am. I feel sexy and pretty.... But all it takes is one comment about the dumb whore in a short skirt or one picture of a perfect woman and I feel so so ugly. I just don't get it. AND I know no matter what I do I will always be what I am, in fact I am getting older and saggier every day. Why do I diet? Why do I wear make-up? Is it for me? Is it for Jason? Who the fuck do I need to impress so much and why do I feel I have to? Its so exhausting trying to impress people all the damn time. I am never going to have a gorgeous body. My boobs will never be amazing and neither will my legs. YUCK I am done with that topic. I just want to have things be happy all around for one day. AND I want to not be congested for once. I have had a cold almost all winter. I am so over the chapped nose and sore throat. I don't know... I just need something really good to happen to me to change my outlook on things. On my life. I need to be happy for Drake, he is always so happy for everyone. I don't know I feel so lonely...

Cars and Trains

Well I haven't written in awhile so I decided to write something, anything to help keep this updated. Nothing going on that I really would like to write about I guess... so I will just talk about Drake. He is so sweet he always lights up my day :) SO he just turned two on 2/10 and is quite the two year old indeed. He loves to throw tantrums and cry with the most fake cry you have ever seen to try to get his way. He loves and I mean LOVES cars. Any kind big or small he takes all cars with pleasure! And he has also decided he loves trains too! My Dad loves trains and is absolutely thrilled that Drake has taken a liking to them. He has a book about a train and in it there is a line where the train whistles "toot toot!" and it makes him laugh so hard it is so so so cute! Its so wonderful to look into his eyes and see how sweet, innocent and honest they are. Makes me feel like there is hope in this life after all aside from all the horrible things that manage to work their way into my life. I know my life isn't so bad but it still hurts me and makes me feel worthless. Drake keeps me chugging a long. (like the train lingo...? lol *rolls eyes*) I hope he grows up to be a good man to match how wonderful of a baby he is. I love you Drake! <3

BIG LOSER!!!!

Well here I am a month later for another blog. Christmas was so good! Drake had a great day even though he had a runny nose and so I went to give him cold medicine but ended up OD'ing him on Benedryl and called poison control and tried to gag him. Funny thing though, poison control said he would be just fine but he was either going to be VERY tired or hyper, tired being more likely. Well he was hyper! Yay! Merry Christmas! LOL, he was OK though. One thing I’ll never do is give Drake medicine when I have only had two hours of sleep. Oi. We did have a very good and unusually, fortunate Christmas. :D
January has been fun. I have lost five more pounds since Christmas and still working on 20 more pounds. I MUST weigh 120!!! I just bought a new work out DVD by Jillian Michaels, a trainer off TV from "The Biggest Loser." She is VERY tough. I am so so so so so so so so so so SO sore. I did the video though again today even though I feel like my ass has been beat with a baseball bat. The video is called "30 Day Shred," if you are looking for a crazy workout, check it out for sure!
I have also been doing Weight Watchers too. But I haven't been doing it for quite a week yet. But so far, so good. And I am using Laurel's old point counter stuff so I am not going to meetings or anything like that. But I have read through all the information and printed up my own point tracking books. I weigh in once a week and do measurements once a month. I will update in a month on that and hopefully I have lost a million pounds! :P JK not possible :P Ha ha...
Anyways onto how Drake and Jason have been doing... Drake has been taking on the art of tantrum throwing. OMG. It is horrid and so embarrassing. It is hard to enjoy a nice shopping trip anymore. And going out to eat? Forget it! He is only good for that every once in awhile. When he is good, you are constantly nervous its going to go sour. But I still love his baby bum! Today was Drakes first day at a day care today. Like a REAL day care. He LOVED being with the other children. And they had a whole schedule mapped out for the day. He had such a good time he didn't want to come home! Lol, I think I am going to use them on the days that I don't have sitters, like family or Jason. I am so sick of taking him to a different stranger every single time I need a baby-sitter when FAM isn't available. And at least now he will have kids to play with and stuff. They feed him and do snack too, so that's nice and its really not expensive at all, they only charged $5 p/h which is AMAZING for a full on Day care. And they do "school" time. So its good. I cried the whole way to work though. I hate having to work, and leave him with people. But I have to, I have GOT to. And I suppose it gives me some "adult" time as well as giving Drake "kid" time. :P I just wish being a working mom wasn't so hard. Its so hard to find a babysitter that you KNOW will take care of him and treat him well. Then when you do its hard to keep them permanent. They have other stuff they do, or are full on kids. Not many people just tend kids out of their home anymore. Most moms are working mothers now days. Money is just so, so , so POOPY! Blah!
Anyway onto Jason... He is still at Wal-Mart, and he is now permanent, :D which is awesome. We were scared he would be done after Christmas, but they did end up making him permanent and he also got promoted to be a CSM, and got a raise! YAY! Good luck is finding its way in some places! And he is having a way, way good time there which is good, I like him to be happy. :D As for the whole P.O.S.T. stuff, unfortunately he won't be able to do that because they just have to many people and can't afford to do another class. But at least he tried! I am so proud of him, he made it all that way and the only reason he didn't get it is because they can't do anymore classes. Everything happens for a reason I have discovered and its probably for the best.
I don’t really have much else to say at the moment. But Jason and I are doing relatively well. Life is still life and always will be, but we are good.
OH YEAH, Becca, not my sis Becca, had her baby and she sent me a pix message of him but I haven’t seen him yet. She is out pretty far but I am going to go try and see him POSSIBLY tomorrow if she is ok with it. He looks like he is a cute lil booger! I <3 Becca!
Anyway that’s all for now! I’ll try to update soon!

Looking up...

Well hello to Becca I should say because I believe you are the only one who reads this! However, I decided to write to let everyone (Becca) know how my life is going...
Jason found a job about a month ago and he was hired on to be seasonal help at the official center of hell... WAL-MART! However, it turns out that place is not so bad after all. They LOVE him there! Jason does a fantastic job there. SO GOOD in fact that the are hiring him to be full time and are going to train him to be a CSM(MaNaGeR)! THEREFORE, we are thrilled about that and he seems to be very happy he feels needed, which is important for Jason.
IN ADDITION, he has been in the interview process to go through P.O.S.T. training (no not to be a mail carrier) for the prison. He has passed all the circus tests so far and we are just waiting for him to be able to enroll in the class, which takes place every 3 months. January is full so we have our fingers crossed for March. We have been running faithfully (sort of) every other night to get him ready for the classes. I have been on a healthy diet since we started and I have gained lots of muscle tone (my ass looks awesome!) and lost, amazingly, a lot of fat. My clothes fit a lot better. I have lost 13 pounds in a month, I am thrilled, and I am still losing. I do weight lifting every other day we do not run. It is awesome!
I just finished up "A Christmas Carol" at the theatre today and will not be there for a while because they do not need techies for the upcoming show. I HOPE THAT they will need me for “Phantom” I would DIE to that show! However, in the mean time for money I will be at the second circle of hell, Chili's. : P JK I <3 Chili's. They are good to me. I started back there a couple of weeks ago it has been going ok. I am currently shopping for an "hourly" daycare for Drake that meets my standards. SO if you know of any let me know! I think it will be good for him to be around all the kids he loves so much to play.
Finally, I think Christmas will not be so bad for Drake after all because we ended up getting him many presents! I was so afraid he would not have a Christmas but things worked out for me ok on that one for once.
It is nice that most things in my life have gone ok lately, because we have had such seemingly bad luck with money this year. Honestly, it has brought Jason and me close together. He is my best friend and I will always be there for him even when he thinks I am a "B" word. He is so cute and I love him so much! I love my little darling boys! MUAH! Merry Holidays everyone who does not read this! (And Becca, who does :P)

Elmo and Nemo

SO right now Drakes favorite imaginary guys are Elmo and Nemo. I can not got to the store without him pointing out every single picture of Elmo and every picture of a fish "Nemo". Its so cute! He notices really little pictures of Elmo from far away, its amazing how much he is really paying attention to everything. He is so smart! Jason and I love to play hide and seek with him around the house. Its so funny to watch him try to find us and when he figures out where we are he walks by a few times and looks right at us but acts like he didn't see us then finally will just run up and get us. Its so cute! When he is doing something wrong Jason will start counting down from 5 and Drake things Jason is asking to "Give him 5" so he runs up and slaps Jason's hand "5", lol. Its so sweet how innocent he is!
Also, he is scared to death of the Halloween isle at the store. Last year he thought that stuff was funny but this year its scary. Its so neat how he learned whats "good" and "bad". Even though we try to tell him the stuff isn't scary he remains convinced its gonna get him.